It's almost unbelievable that the most weight-obsessed society would look up to a really fat man as a cultural icon. No matter how you dress him up, Santa is a fat pig. Yes, that's my position.
Santa is problematic. Not only does he like to publicly showcase his obesity, he laughs about it all the time (in public). He perpetrates the stereotype that fat people are jolly. He has been seen with his belly jiggling like a bowl full of jelly. Hey, it only jiggles like that when he laughs. The jolly thing again. I guarantee you it jiggles at other times too.
Don't even start with me about coming down the chimney. This guy would feel lucky if if could get through a sliding glass door!
Not only is Santa a fat person, but he is in all probability a fat felon. Somebody who tiptoes around my house in the middle of the night would give me the creeps. When he comes into houses and drops off a few toys, you can't tell me he's not hiding some family silver in that criminal costume (more about that in a minute) when he leaves. Did you know Santa is known by many different names?
In the US, he's called Santa. Other common, well know aliases includes Saint Nicholas, Saint Nick, Father Christmas, Santa, Santy and Kris Kringle. Germans know him by Weihnachtsmann ("Christmas Man" or "Nikolaus"). Russians call him Ded Moroz ("Grandfather Frost"). He's got to be a felon on the lam.
Just look at the way he dresses! From head to toe in (what?) red velvet with white fur? Is his suit made from curtains out of a bordello? Is that fur real? Where is PETA when you really need them?
For these reasons and many more too sordid to publish, I award Santa the "2009 Public Poster Person for Obesity."
For this next year, Santa or Kris, or Santy needs to do something! Anything! Stop drinking only brand name flavored sugar water. Change his diet. Join a program. Join a support group (Elves just don't do it). For goodness sake, exercise. I know it's cold at the location of his hideout, so build an indoor gym.I'm proposing a complete makeover for Kris Kringle. Let's get a group together for an intervention. I suggest he goes from fat cultural icon to the globe's biggest loser. A symbol known worldwide for his philanthropic works and his incredibly buff figure. Check it out below. Wouldn't you invite him to hang around your tree and fireplace? Forget the milk and cookies and go for some brandy?
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